*parody of McCoy’s improper use of hyphen
So let’s say you are an illegitimate reporter in South Florida who has nothing better to do than interview conspiracy-theorizing, apocalypse-dwelling cops unfashionably donning a Guy Fawkes mask. You have no idea what you are reporting on, but better yet– you can’t spell or use correct punctuation. You can claim to follow AAA, APA, ASA, CSE, Chicago, MLA, Turabian, or your own DAM (i.e. dumb-ass-motherf***er’s) stylistic guideline, but you clearly aren’t writing in proper English, the language of your “constituents.” I am an intelligent graduate student of English, so let me help you– it’s the least I can do for your oh-so-flattering condemnation of my personal choices:
Fort Lauderdale and Palm Beach – News – The Daily Pulp – Print Version
*Exhibit A: “Almost-Great” should not be hyphenated
Exhibit B:”twenty-something” needs to modify something, aka a NOUN. You could insert woman, professional, student, etc… And you need to indicate what the twenty-something represents, in this case, I assume you mean AGE. Either way, it is a dangling modifier. You need to include what twenty-something refers to. It would be correct to say “let’s say you are a twenty-something year old woman[...].”
Exhibit C: There is no grammatical need for the commas in the following:”living in small town Florida, working at a local high school, with two daughters and a husband.
Exhibit D: The beginning of the second sentence,”seems like,” implies that the subject is clarified in the preceding sentence; however, the idea of being an unidentified “twenty-something” does not an American Dream make. What it is that seems like an American Dream to you?
(This is exhausting, almost worse than teaching ESE high school English to fourteen year-olds who read at a first-grade level.)
Exhibit E: Your verbs do not fall in the same tense: “read,” “get,” and “was rapping.” The subject of the first two verbs is “you,” the second person subject. There are one of two options here: (a) you use “read” in the present tense or (b) you use it in the past tense. In option (a) where the verb is theoretically in the present tense, you imply that I read (present tense) Chopin’s work amidst all the chaos of the media hype. This implication is extremely far-reaching and highly improbable. In option (b) where the verb is theoretically in the past tense, your verb “read” does not agree with the verb “get.” Given the use of the present tense “creep” in your subsequent sentence, I am sure you must have intended use (a) of the verb “to read.” Otherwise you would have mixed the past tense with the present tense– an egregious error I am sure you only may have overlooked as a result of your zealous admiration of both my beauty and brains.
[side note: I will forgive the use of "homegUrl" (U capitalized for effect) as a colloquialism you employed in an effort to connect with your audience]Exhibit F: The word “rationale” is a noun. Therefore, your sentence that begins the third paragraph includes a noun modifying a noun: “rationale person.” I am sure you meant to type “rational,” the adjective. Pesky typos!
Exhibit G: Unless you insert a colon in the first part of a sentence, using a semi-colon between items in a list is unmistakably incorrect. These items are events in a series which do not warrant such an abundance of semi-colons. Unless you had both preceded and introduced the topic of the list with a colon, this is worth a time-out in the corner of the classroom wearing a humiliatingly large dunce cap.
Exhibit H: If you are going to italicize “Hustler” in the second portion of a sentence (and rightly so), the magazine title also needs to be italicized in the first part of the sentence. I can’t justify your mistake here on a typographical error, I am sorry.
Rather than continue to undercut the genuine efforts of Terrence McCoy, I am now going to go revel (topless, of course) in the plethora of positive opportunities that have come my way since deciding to shoot for the March 2014 issue of Hustler. I will also pray for the less fortunate writers out there, like Terrence McCoy, who should should probably join Ericson Harrell in his mask-wearing endeavor if only to avoid further indictments of his aforementioned grammatical self-humiliation on the world-wide web. Great (almost) article, Monsieur McCoy.
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Oh. You know, I thought I sent them all out, but there...
NO TITLE AT ALL……
I thought this was hilarious. LOL But I’m not sure why, as I didn’t fully comprehend all 100% of it, as I might not if it was written in French. But I can respect it, and wish that I could write it. LOL
That’s because during my eight grade year in junior high in 1963/64, (yes, President Kennedy had just been shot that year), my Daddy, the man I loved, hit and beat me every day of my life and I encouraged him to do it. IT WAS A WAY TO GET SOME ATTENTION….ouch…LOL
The day I knocked him back against the wall with an angry punch was the day I got really scared, realizing that the power that protected me was no longer so powerful. I could, after all, beat my Dad up if I wanted to. And then who would take care of me?
So I retreated to a more defensive position, kicking and trying to avoid his belt, while at the same time, refusing to beat the shit out of him. After all, I loved him, and wanted a father.
That year, I developed feelings that he was trying to turn my younger brother against me and that he wanted me dead. Well, he probably wished I was dead, but he certainly did not want to kill me. Angry feelings and actions often follow separate paths, Thank God.
Well, that year I was supposed to be studying English Grammar at school, and learn all the things that Olivia (Miss Victoria) is talking about. But I didn’t. Didn’t study a wink. Got the best grade on a history final exam in the whole class, and I was the only person who never studied a wink, but just naturally remembered some of the interesting stuff I had sat/slept through in class.
Since then, dozens of people, or more, have told me, “You should have been a writer!?” And, “When are you going to publish your book?” I’m 63, and last week, maggie, who I only met last year online told me she was, “saving my e mail,” for when I wanted to write a book. LOL…LOL m(SMALL m IS WHAT SHE PREFERS) is a published author, and is obviously someone who wants to write books of healing advice and poetry. I DO NOT.
Perhaps it goes all the way back to my depression and anger that became part of my life in eighth grade English. No goals? Who cares if I can write well, good, or like shit, or write at all? Who gives a fuck? Who gives a MIKE TYSON MOTHERFUCKER?
Because the original title of something I wrote back to you was supposed to be, MIKE TYSON, YOU AND ME. Because all three of us WRITE OUTSIDE THE LINES. All three of us get kicked out of high school, or professional sports, or the middle class work world, because we refused to PLAY WITHIN THE LINES, and RESPECT THE LINES THAT BORDER THE FIELD OF PLAY.
I listened to an interview with Mike on SiriusXM as I drove though 100 miles of North Woods of Maine, and he’s got an honest, interesting stage show in Las Vegas, and a book coming out, and where all the people who are interviewing him are playing the usual game of, “YOU’RE SO IMPORTANT,” and, “ISN’T IT WONDERFUL,” and, “WHAT A SUCCESS YOU ARE, AND HOW SMALL ARE THE REST OF US,” Mike neatly/adroitly sidesteps all of that BS, and admits that he’s not important, not that lucky, and not a success at all, but just another miserable human being, striving to make it through the day, ONE HOUR AT A TIME, if need be.
I guess I was impressed by Mister Tyson, not because he was a great boxer, or because he finally stopped raping women who were looking to have his glamour rub off on them after they hooked up with him, but BECAUSE HE WAS AN HONEST, MISERABLE HUMAN BEING, LIKE THE REST OF US, and admitted it….LOL
But to know the RULES OF ENGLISH…LOL Wow. That’s something only Victoria and my long deceased father can comprehend. Wow! AND VICTORIA IS HOT TO LOOK AT, and appeals to the part of my brain that was functioning 30 years ago. I’m 63, taking meds up the ass, living alone in the woods of Maine with an 11 year old adopted dog, but suddenly, I open my e mail, and IT’S LIKE I’M 19 AGAIN….LOL Thank You, Olivia.
And a click later, and I’m at her web page, reminded of all the things I was supposed to be, supposed to study, and how I was supposed to act. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING WITHIN THE LINES, FOLLOWING ALL THE RULES, AND, “fuck that shit, motherfucker. It just aint me.”
And people who like what I write do so because they can, somehow, understand my limited forms of expression, or maybe, THEY LIKE MY HONESTY, which has nothing to do with the rules of the English language at a professional American college.
Which, is probably why, Victoria has stopped teaching this shit to bored high school kids whose fathers are busy kicking the shit out of them, or having sex with them, at home, after school, when nobody else is looking,.
HOW IMPORTANT IS IT FOR MIKE TYSON TO SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH TO COMMUNICATE WHAT HE WANTS TO SAY? Is proper English important for Victoria’s stunning/sexy portraits to portray what’s on her mind (like pay me money for this shit, and aren’t I damned good looking, thank you …..LOL….yes, you are, my dear Smile
And, do I need to write in proper English to be able to post on a web site or a 140 character twitter account?
Probably not, and thanks, Victoria, for cheering us all up with your stories and photos. Roger.